i have a feeling this year is a crucial year for me, spiritually speaking. well, actually everything can be spiritual. Depends how you look at it. it’s a year which I made some turns in my journey without fully understanding it. i thought i was following my heart. perhaps i was wrong. either the path leads to liberation or bondage. at this moment it is not clear. it’s a path laden with temptations. the feeling that grips me as i thread this path is something i cannot accurately describe. how do you describe something which brings you pleasure and guilt at the same time?i feel myself slipping into the unknown. i’ve lost my focus. i feel as though i’ve betrayed my 1st love. and it brought me tremendous guilt. guilt is a heavy burden to be carrying around. i’ve never really considered the possibility of me letting him slip away. i am ashamed to say, contrary to what my lips may professed, my faith in myself was greater than my faith in him. believing that the success of our relationship hinged upon my own faithfullness rather than his. the events this year sent my deck of cards tumbling down.

he pledged his love and faithfullness towards me when I gave my heart to him that day. said it was a love not conditioned upon my loveableness. said he’ll stick with me regardless. i am thankful for his continued assurance all these years. perhaps that is why i’m feeling guilty. betraying someone who loves you little is easy but not someone who loves you so much and still continue to believe in you despite your fickleness.

did i really betray him? i don’t know. perhaps it was just a fling or side dish, as el puts it. one that i know will eventually fade away as the novelty wears off. and i’ll coming running back to him. that safe and secure kind of love that i needed more than anything. perhaps he knew it all the while that i’ve not prostituted my heart (the very core of me) to them. he knew our hearts are still one. so he watched painfully as I tried out the other games in the arcade, knowing all along that they won’t satisfy me as much as he did me.

he knew, for my love for him to be real, he has to set me free.

yet my recent adventures have been more than exciting. i did have a great time. i really am enjoying myself! though there is still something lacking in all of them.

recently i have this wild idea. i thought perhaps my 1st love is not upset over me having fun. afterall he was the one who made pleasure possible. so i know he is not against me having fun. perhaps it was because he knew the dangers that come with it. that i could loose sight of what is really important for us, for our relationship and went running after the pleasures instead. perhaps a safe way to have innocent fun (ie. fun minus the guilt) is to link all of them back to my 1st love. to see him everywhere, in everything, every situation, at all times.