Some days, life can be a bitch.

I come back from work to a house of demanding kids and a dictator husband. “Kids, they are capable of taking all that you have and give you only a trickle of what you desire.” rlp says. But I thought it’s a bargain compared to living under oppression in your own home. It can turn you into a mouse or a beast. That’s what it’s like when Wai is around. The air is thick with tension. He is entirely unpredictable. You’ll never know when you’ve provoked him and sent him into a rage. What you can be sure of is that all your neighbors will hear of how you are the worst wife and mother around the block, not to mention a disgrace to Jesus. Wai has a set of powerful lungs. He can thunder like the Almighty if you do not thread your ground with care.

(Before you jump into conclusion that my husband is a devil, I want to make it clear that he is not, though at times I believe he is under the devil’s influence, or he seems to be. But I know that he is capable of many good. I have seen it. There are many factors that contributed to his behavior just as there are many reasons to our severely damaged relationship. But I don’t have the desire to dwell into that right now. Suffice to know that he is also a victim, though it does not excuse his behavior.)

These are days that I have to cope with the demands of my kids and fend off the devils verbal and psychological abuses through my, now possessed, husband. These are the days when husband and children thinks they are the centre of the universe. One thinks he has every right to intimidate me into submission while the other sucks from me more than I can give. When you have a husband who is active and passive in the wrong way, you become the source of everything for your children. I am both a father and mother to my kids. I must be ready for them – in everyway. I take care of every aspect of their life. Physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, academic and social. From attending parent-teacher meetings to staying up when they are sick, the mundane to the extrodinary. And then there are those endless household issues to attend to everyday.

I do this every single day. I do this when I am sad. I do this when I am depressed. I do this when I am hurting inside. They just zap the life out of me sometimes. Most of the time.

Never mind if mummy is tired or depressed, I want her to play with us.

Let me teach her a thing or two about submission. What kind of a Christian wife is she?

These are the days I get walked all over.

At times when the responsibilities and oppression weighs too much, I wish I could just turn my back for good. Walk away and never return. I wish I could ignore all the consequences that come with walking away. I wish I only need to think about my own well-being and not have to consider others. I wish I could be like Prince Siddhartha who was able to leave everything behind in search of himself.

Anyone who is a single mom knows what I’m talking about. “You always make the left turn and take your paycheck and yourself home to your kids. One day you feel like turning right and leave town but you don’t. You love your children because you are committed to them. How you feel on one given day is not really the issue. Love is primarily a choice and only sometimes a feeling. If you want to feel love, choose to love and be patient.” Rlp, I couldn’t have said it better.

I believe that good and meaningful things come not by forsaking responsibilities but by remaining committed, not by evading hurts but by letting it guide you to the ultimate Healer.

I wonder how much longer I’ll do this? I have no idea. I live day by day.

On such nights, I am numb all over. I don’t want to think. I just want to go to bed and shut it all out. But tonight I did not. Tonight I wrote this. And I feel better.