Today an old familiar ache resurfaced. It is not as though it has ever gone away. Aches like this never ever goes away. It might hibernate for a while and give you a breather but it never leaves. Once in a while it intensifies, leaving you breathless. Its an ache so deep and real you can literally feel it. Your breathing goes shallow as your heart labor to pump blood and oxygen to keep you going from one second to the next. You hear noises and people talking to you but you can’t make out what they are or where they are from. Faces and things, for some reason could not register. So all you see is an assortment of forms and images unfamiliar to you. You parted your lips to formulate some words or to cry but could only manage a moan, faint as it is. Second by second, this crippling energy works itself through ever sinew of your being, paralyzing you. In one breath, all colors fade to a blurry grey.

And you began hating yourself for never having the guts to say it.

To say that you know where to find the remedy. That there is relief. No, not just relief but hope. Not a wishful thinking kind of hope but one as real as the sun shining on your face right now.

And you realized fear has overpowered you. Fear of loosing many things dear to you. You know the price. Yet there is a greater fear. A fear more real than those you are afraid of loosing.

And your heart cry in silence.

The moment is pass and you’ve missed it again.

The paradoxical thing about this ache is that it is good for you. It pushes you to action. If it ever dies, you know something is not quite right. You should have a measure of it every waking moment of your life. Yet you must not allow it to burden you to he point that it cripples you. You have to recognize that you are just a vessel. If it ever reaches a crippling point, you know you have strayed away from the path of trust and should do a U-turn. You have relied on your own wisdom and resources and have unconsciously sought glory for yourself.

And so you carry this ache with mixed emotions. Wishing there is someone who would have a clue why you’re feeling this way. Your own kind (at least those you know) don’t seem to suffer this affliction. You feel strangely out of place. The anguish eats at you but there is no one to bear it with. Perhaps it will always remain something only your Lord can bear. You feel silly for crying over it but it doesn’t stop you from crying.

And so you wait

and wait

and wait

One day, courage will find you and fear will be under your feet.

rk

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