It’s decision time again and I am feeling rather shitty and apprehensive about it. Will try to get it over with before the night is over.

Have you ever believed in something so much that the very idea of giving-up is unthinkable? Each time you face a set back, and there have been many, you tell yourself that you can’t give up now, not after all the battles you’ve fought and supposedly won. You just need an ounce of strength each time to keep going one hurdle at a time and before you know it, you’ll see that it’s all worth while. You psyched yourself into believing that this is what is needed. And so you debated with yourself and God even, on why you should or should not let it go. You asked for perseverance, wisdom and courage, and then more perseverance, wisdom and courage to make the right decision. You really do not want to give this up. It is dear to you. You’d do whatever it takes to keep it. But almost everything requires input from more parties than yourself alone. There is no such thing as a self made man. We are all reliant on each other, one way or another.

You’ve been a little tired of late. Trying to keep this going while not knowing if it’s going to work out the way you’ve hoped for. You seem to get the impression that you’re just wasting your time with something which no one really gives a damn. You convinced yourself that you’re being selfless, though it is becoming increasing clear now that you have been prideful; putting your trust in your own will power. Everyone else can be the weak link but not you. All glory goes to you. It’s always about you, you, you. Yeah….which sucks really, when you think about it. Even now, you’re wallowing in self abasement.

And so you concluded it’s time to quit. From now on you shall be free. Not that you have never been free. I am talking about freedom as a result of submission. Not the kind of letting go which results in the death of something cherished. But one of quiet submission to God’s will.

Meanwhile, I’ll go catch Cinderella Man. Who knows, God might just speak to me through Russell Crowe!

Wish me luck.

rk

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