I find this song hauntingly close to heart. For a long time I didn’t know I had shut the door to my heart. I toughen myself to the point that I was all self-sufficient. I was proud, proud of myself for being “strong”. I thought part of being strong is not be able to hurt again. Not until recent years did I realize I have been living a crippled life, neither having the ability to love without fear nor knowing how to receive love. I guess when we are dead, we do not know it. It took years for God to peel away layers of self-defense, skepticism and cynicism. Through his love I slowly begin to live. There even came a point where I was subconciously looking for people to love, to pour my heart, to share my life with.

I wish I could say that all is well from then on…. but it’s not. There have been times my heart was trampled on and treated with disregard. The sting of rejection and shame of insignificance intensifies with each careless word, forgotten promises and general attitude of indifference. Each time, I wanted to withdraw and shut myself in. Each time the layers form. It’s an experience all of us can identify with. Love, acceptance, friendship will not be coerced. When we extend our heart and share our life, there is never a guarantee, except of God, that it will not be be spurned. Even Jesus knows rejection. Since the beginning of time God’s love has been trampled on and spat upon by his own creation. When Jesus traded his crown of glory for a crown of thorns, do you think he was received with gratitude? But it does not stop him from coming anyway. Even if there is only one soul in the entire human race who will accept his love, he considers it worth it. I think God is insane!

For all of you whose heart has been broken, here’s a song for you. But I hope, for you as much as for me, we will not let any person or past experience cause our heart to harden. It does not mean hanging on to an abusive relationship. It means not allowing it to cripple us.

Because Of You by Kelly Clarkson

I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of youI find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid

I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
Because of you
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt

Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of youI don’t know how to let anyone else in

Because of youI’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you