I think I’m going insane. And I can’t seem to be able to shake myself out of it. My emotions swing from one extreme to the other for reasons that are really stupid. There are a lot of voices in my head. Conflicting voices. One moment I find myself doing things I have no good reason to. It’s almost like I’m on auto pilot. And then voices will shout at me to stop and I’d go, why the heck did I do that for? And there’ll be the other voices trying to justify my actions and they’ll all be screaming at each other while I get lost in this civil war…..not knowing what to say or think. My emotions rises and falls depending on which party wins. Holding a normal conversation without all these conflicting voices springing up out of the blue is challenging. Every word that enters my consciousness is amplified 5 times, triggering either sadness, joy or paranoia. Every time I’ll tell myself I’ve got to snap out of it. But it keeps coming back. Sometimes the sight of certain things and people bring me to tears. Sometimes they trigger fear, loneliness, confusion.

The bright side to this is that I know what causes these symptoms. So I know how to avoid them to a certain extent. The bad news is that not only am I powerless to do so but instead, I keep running into them on purpose. It’s like I’m addicted to misery. I do certain things with the full knowledge that I’d hurt myself in return. It’s driving me crazy. Sucking the very life out of me. Sometimes I can’t help feeling like I’m going backwards.

I do not need to know how to stop myself, I need to have the strength to do so.

rk

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