I feel it’s about time I write about my spiritual journey although I do not feel much desire to. Not because I feel the need to keep my blog current for the sake of people who still hang around here but because I want to be able to have access to my thoughts and feelings at different points in my life. Things are usually a lot more clearer looking back than what it looks like while living it. In the present it’s usually a big mess with more than a dozen question marks. I am re-reading Yancey’s Reaching For The Invisible God and have to agree with him that being in a relationship with an invisible God has not made my world simpler. As I learn to walk the long and narrow path of faith, I discovered for myself, just like Yancey did, that such a relationship has complicated my life in areas that are meant to be complicated.

It has been a long time since I wrote anything of significant depth. You may have noticed I’ve been quoting more people than myself. The truth is I am feeling very empty these days. My life is also unraveling faster than my heart could catch-up, leaving me more than a little disillusioned. Not only am I not hearing anything from God, I have not been saying anything much to him either. In the pas,t everything reminds me of Him. Now they only feed my skepticism and seal my cynicism. Where God seem so real and close before, I now wonder if it’s not just all “in my head”? Where His promises have brought so much hope and faith, they now feel glaringly false. I find myself bound in a helpless cycle of despair and bitterness. My disconnection with God is affecting the way I perceive the world, my circumstances and people around me. I find myself loosing faith in people and in goodness in general. People, believers and nonbelievers alike, have been a disappointment. In my days of faith, I try to search for the image of God in people. Now what I see most of the time is stinking human flesh. The closer I get the uglier it gets. The God given lens that enabled me to see good and beauty seems to have fogged up. I find myself questioning my own judgement; unable to trust neither others nor myself. God? Sure I did at some point but it’s fickle. I can’t trust my faith in God. The church and christianity as an organized religion have not remedied the situation. If anything they have further sealed my skepticism. I am sick of christian groups bashing one another and dividing the kingdom of God. Each think only they have the accurate and complete revelation of God’s truth and how God wants his church to be run and worship to be conducted. With regards to our relationship with the world, we have succeeded in putting up barriers that keep people away. When the people or institution you thought you could count on disappoints you, you find yourself very much orphaned. I find life less enjoyable and meaningful when God is absent. Beauty and humor is altogether lacking. In the midst of all these, I see my own failures.

I have been busy, both by circumstances and by choice. A life full of noise but empty of God.

But sink or swim, I’m pressing on. I’m in this relationship for good. Not only for the lack of better alternatives but also because I’ve tasted what it’s like with and without God and I am willing to take the risk to stay with Him. Inspite of the failures of the church, there are also men and women who, through the example of their life, testify to a good and living God.

rk

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